I thought I found "Mr. Right" (when it wasn't me), but here I am still looking, or I should say... looking again.
I guess that says more about me than it does about whoever I found. Ok! Shall I describe myself as a poor judge of character? A loser? Maybe, I'm just plain gullible? Maybe I've enjoyed "the getting" while "the getting" was good. Maybe everything was just fine until it wasn't, and I should not frown because it ended but smile because it happened and simply move on. Maybe I've been unrealistic and naive. Maybe I've been in denial about my loneliness. Maybe, I've simply enjoyed giving a man the benefit of a doubt and taking the plunge. Whatever!
I'm not willing to concede to any ONE description, but I'll gladly concede to a mix of all of them and more. The one thing I'm not is a self-loather. I have no self-esteem issues. I seek no pity from anyone. But, I do like to speak my own mind (or at least try), and I like to speak for myself, and I enjoy listening to people speak their minds when they don't try to speak for others.
I've never been a "no strings attached" (NSA) kind of guy. I've always been a "no sex before marriage-commitment for life" kind of guy. I've approached and sought to assure that each case would would fit that bill. I had hopes that there would be only ONE from the start.
Did I rush? How can I answer that? When two people say they are in love with each other, when they pledge their vows to each other, when they tell everyone in their families about it, when they tell all their friends about it, when they tell the whole world about it, it seems like a "happily ever after commitment" to me, and the risk seems not too great but worth taking. For how long does one wait for all the certainties to be assured? In hind sight, it's so easy to cast judgment.
I did not set out to have more than one "Mr. Right," and here I am still hoping to cross the path of "Mr. Right." I'm not willing to give up on that quest although the odds seem increasingly stacked against it. I'm not getting younger. Who is? So many guys just want to "hook up and disappear (until they get horny again)" and, well, that's their business. I'd rather be my own "Mr. Right" than participate in that business. Yea! That, from all that I can tell, makes finding "Mr. Right" all the more of a challenge.
I'm not special. There are other people (how many? who knows?) looking for Mr. Right too. They, too, have been through their journeys. How many times did any of them have to start all over again? How many of them never found the first one, let alone the only one?
One "Mr. Right" kept losing his job and couldn't be counted on (during the down times) to make up (in any way) for his own slack (you know, do chore at home, don't make long distance phone calls, stay home rather than go out...) and, thus, pull his own weight. Another cheated on me so many times he got HIV and, then, begged me to "stay calm" (before outing the news).... Another cheated on me for a year and a half before sending me an out-of-the-blue email telling me all about it (two-some, three-some,...) and asking, "can we be friends?" Each of them told me a different story at the beginning ... "You're the one." "I'm going to take care of you." "No matter what, I will always love you."
The falling in love part was always sweet. The loving part was always warm, tender, and soothing. Though I thought each, in its own time, would be Mr. Right, here I am again hoping to meet him again... Finally!
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