In my mind, sex" was "intercourse" or "going all the way." If I didn't "go all the way," I didn't have sex. If I didn't do intercourse (vaginal or anal), I didn't do sex. Masturbating wasn't sex, so mutual maturbating between me and another guy wasn't "sex." French kissing wasn't "sex," so french kissing with a guy wasn't "sex." Hey! It was before 1979, and I was sooo naive about so much!
I repeat! I never "went all the way" until after I was married to a woman. It was with the woman I married that I experience intercourse for the first time in my life. Several years after our divorce of that marriage, it was with the first man to whom I married myself -- we pledged our vows to each other -- that I experienced anal intercourse for the first time. Since then, I've "married" (exchanged vows with) two other men. With each, I experienced ("giving and receiving") anal intercourse. So, until these experiences, I had never gone "all the way" with anyone.
Did I have sex before marriage? Well, if you mean did I "go all the way" (experience intercourse), the answer is clearly no. But, if you mean was I "sexually involved with another person" or was I in a circumstance of "sexual gratification with another person," then the answer is clearly yes. To summarize my first two experiences, I will refer to them as "my first two times being sexual with someone else (besides myself).
My romantic dreams were always about me and another guy. I remember having them as far back as when I was ten years old in 1967 and 1968. They didn't include intercourse, but they included lots of sweet talking, kissing, hugging, hand holding, sleeping together, some nudity, and just living life together. I loved my dreams.
I dated one girl twice while in high school. Once we went roller skating. Once we went to watch a Beatles movie called "Yellow Submarine." I didn't kiss her. Nothing against her. I just didn't want to. I never dated a guy, but I sure enjoyed guy-watching. I discovered the joys of looking through Playgirl magazines. I never imagined sexual scenarios with any of the guys I saw at school or anywhere else, but I did note "he's handsome," "I like the way he's dressed," "I like his hair," and "I'll bet it would be great to live with him!" I knew of no other person on earth like me. I didn't know the "gay" word, and I never really thought I was "homosexual." I had never seen anything resembling gay porn, so I could only imagine what the sex part of homosexuality looked like. I summed it all up "I just wanted a best friend companion with whom I could be cuddly, huggy, and sweet talky. Yea! That would've been awesome! It would've been awesome to say "I love you!" with passion to another guy saying with equal passion "I love you!" back at me.
After my first year of college my father retired from the U.S. Air Force, and we all moved to his home town in Habersham County, Georgia. What a culture shock! On the air force base, the bowling alley, movie theatre, swimming pools, library, tennis courts, baseball fields, hobby shops were all with 15 minutes of walking distance from our house, and I could ride my bicyle for about 20 minutes to reach homes of friends I knew off the base. In Habersham County, Georgia, there was none of that for miles. It was a country town of back roads with millions of trees between them.
Within weeks I found a church to attend. There I met a guy. We were the same age, and we both played the piano a bit. He invited me to spend a week with him at a church denomination related occasion. He, one other guy and I decided to room together at a local motel. Happily, and without thinking about it, I slept alone on the other double bed except for the last night while we were there. He came over to my bed while the other guy was sleeping soundly. Quite frankly, I didn't crave for him to do that, but I felt glad that he did. It was a pleasant surprise! We weren't holding each other. We were just there side by side, in our underwear, our bodies touching each other. It felt nice to have a male church companion my age next to me in bed. We never kissed. But, before the night was over, we placed our hands inside each other's underwear and on each others' penis. I was too nervous for an erection. He was erect. He had already ejaculated, and he stroked my penis until I did so too. But before that, we started out gently play wrestling and poking each other with our fingers. At some point later my body ended up on top of his and, for awhile, we just layed there motionless except for our breathing. He placed his hands on my sides, and I placed mine at the sides of his legs. I had never been sexual with anyone before in my life. If he had asked me to be his boyfriend, I would have said yes almost instantly. If he had asked me to marry him, I would have said yes almost instantly. This was an awakening! This was affirmation! This fit so well into my dreams even though sex, up to this point, had not been a part of them.
Almost a year later, I was casually reading through a copy of the Atlanta Journal and Constitution. When I got to the page filled with all the movie advertisement, almost instantly I saw "Gay Paree." No title of any movie, but an address, a phone number, a black and white somewhat vague picture of a shirtless man, and a note saying they were open 24 hours made up the contents of the ad. I wrote the information down on a piece of paper and stuck the paper in my wallet. I had never purposefully gone to an x-rated movie. One time, a year and a half before, I went to a drive-in movie whose rating wasn't displayed on the marquee, and (out of curiosity) I stayed and watch the whole movie. But now, I was putting together a plan. Being XXX-rated was not what intrigued me so much. If I had seen advertisement for any movie that contained guys falling in love with each other, I would have begun a plan to go see that movie. But, this what was there and was all there was! I wanted to see love (even if it meant seeing an x-rated spin on it) between men. At first, I couldn't believe my eyes as I stared at that newpaper ad. Then, I pondered, "If movies exist that show men loving each other, that means not only that there are guys like me on this planet, but that there HAVE BEEN guys like me on this planet for a long time, and that my dreams could possibly come true someday, somehow."
I had never driven from Habersham County to Atlanta at night. The first half of the distance was a winding mountain road. The second half was dotted with road construction. I was determined that I would go. On friday night, I took my brother to a basketball game. Other arrangements had been made for his transportation back home. As soon as I dropped him off, I headed for Atlanta.
Once I was within Atlanta's city limits, I found a pay phone, called the "Gay Paree" and asked for driving directions. After fighting with one-way streets I finally found the place about an hour later. When I walked in the door, I saw no one at the counter and I saw a big sign that said "Entrance," so I walked in. I was mesmerized. Shown on the screen were two men not yet being sexual but talking sweetly to each other, looking at each others' eyes, hugging -- the stuff my dreams had been made of. I didn't even notice if anyone else was in the room. After my eyes adjusted, I found a seat where I could be alone. Yes, in the movie, I saw men being sexual. I saw men going "all the way." I hated that it was by this situation that I learned that there were other men in this world just like me. I did not enjoy the promiscuity of it all. But, I did enjoy not feeling as much alone and as much without hope. The movie, as a whole and some of the details in it, affirmed, even though I couldn't yet claim explicitly, who I was. Inside, I knew what I wanted. But, I was a front pew sitting, piano playing, organ playing, solo and choir singing church boy who did not enjoy thoughts of a ruined reputation nor thoughts of going to hell.
I didn't mean to not pay for admission. Later, I approached the counter and explained the matter. Kindly, the man told me the cost was $5. I paid him without any trouble, and re-enter the movie room.
Before that night was over, a guy about my age sat next to me. He was handsome. I guess he thought I was handsome too, and the thought of that felt good. After a few minutes, he placed his hand on my crotch. This was all new to me. I copied him and did likewise to him. He asked me if I'd like to join him in a motel room. "Will you bring me back here?" I asked. "Yes." he said.
The motel wasn't far away. I offered to pay my share of the motel fee, but he refused to let me. Casually, we talked. We hugged, kissed, removed our clothes, were sexual for awhile without anal penetration. After awhile, we showered, and he drove me back to the theatre parking lot. I was still living with my parents and had not told them that I was going to Atlanta. I had not called them to explain that I'd be late getting home. It was after midnight, and I was due to work at my job at 8 a.m. As quietly as I tried to walk in the house, mom heard and asked, "Where have you been?" "Out to visit friends." I said.
No sex before marriage had always been my creed. I could still call myself a virgin, I guess. After all, I hadn't gone "all the way." It wouldn't be difficult for me to avoid sex with girls until marriage. But, I wanted to meet guys like me. It wasn't the sex I wanted, but, obviously, I became willing to go that route to get what I wanted. I wanted the common element, the bonding, the talking, the hugging, the being in the same room, the sitting next to each other in a car seat with our arms around each other, and even lying on the same bed with our clothes still on. The guys, including me, went a great distance to be at the "Gay Paree." Atlanta was the largest city in the southeast USA, and some guys came from as far away as Tennessee and Alabama. They had situations back home to work around... just to meet another guy much like themselves. If we could have been allowed to flirt openly, walk hand in hand through public parks, all about sidewalks, in department stores and share our fond affections towards each other in broad daylight, chances are we would have chosen that route. Chances are we would not have chosen the route of this XXX-rated movie house. There were no gay bars in Atlanta then. There were no Gay churches.
I returned to the "Gay Paree" a few more times over the next several months. Once, I was sexual with a guy while seated in my car parked behind a public school. Once, I paid for the motel room and the guy told me I was cute. Once, by car, I followed a guy back to Alabama.
Before I proposed to the girl I married, I told her about my involvement in homosexuality. Years later, she heard me talking in my sleep.
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