Yes, this is a bit whiny!
I thought I found "Mr. Right" (when it wasn't me), but here I am still looking, or I should say... looking again.
I guess that says more about me than it does about whoever I found. Ok! Shall I describe myself as a poor judge of character? A loser? Maybe, I'm just plain gullible? Maybe I've enjoyed "the getting" while "the getting" was good. Maybe everything was just fine until it wasn't, and I should not frown because it ended but smile because it happened and simply move on. Maybe I've been unrealistic and naive. Maybe I've been in denial about my loneliness. Maybe, I've simply enjoyed giving a man the benefit of a doubt and taking the plunge. Whatever!
I'm not willing to concede to any ONE description, but I'll gladly concede to a mix of all of them and more. The one thing I'm not is a self-loather. I have no self-esteem issues. I seek no pity from anyone. But, I do like to speak my own mind (or at least try), and I like to speak for myself, and I enjoy listening to people speak their minds when they don't try to speak for others.
I've never been a "no strings attached" (NSA) kind of guy. I've always been a "no sex before marriage-commitment for life" kind of guy. I've approached and sought to assure that each case would would fit that bill. I had hopes that there would be only ONE from the start.
Did I rush? How can I answer that? When two people say they are in love with each other, when they pledge their vows to each other, when they tell everyone in their families about it, when they tell all their friends about it, when they tell the whole world about it, it seems like a "happily ever after commitment" to me, and the risk seems not too great but worth taking. For how long does one wait for all the certainties to be assured? In hind sight, it's so easy to cast judgment.
I did not set out to have more than one "Mr. Right," and here I am still hoping to cross the path of "Mr. Right." I'm not willing to give up on that quest although the odds seem increasingly stacked against it. I'm not getting younger. Who is? So many guys just want to "hook up and disappear (until they get horny again)" and, well, that's their business. I'd rather be my own "Mr. Right" than participate in that business. Yea! That, from all that I can tell, makes finding "Mr. Right" all the more of a challenge.
I'm not special. There are other people (how many? who knows?) looking for Mr. Right too. They, too, have been through their journeys. How many times did any of them have to start all over again? How many of them never found the first one, let alone the only one?
One "Mr. Right" kept losing his job and couldn't be counted on (during the down times) to make up (in any way) for his own slack (you know, do chore at home, don't make long distance phone calls, stay home rather than go out...) and, thus, pull his own weight. Another cheated on me so many times he got HIV and, then, begged me to "stay calm" (before outing the news).... Another cheated on me for a year and a half before sending me an out-of-the-blue email telling me all about it (two-some, three-some,...) and asking, "can we be friends?" Each of them told me a different story at the beginning ... "You're the one." "I'm going to take care of you." "No matter what, I will always love you."
The falling in love part was always sweet. The loving part was always warm, tender, and soothing. Though I thought each, in its own time, would be Mr. Right, here I am again hoping to meet him again... Finally!
This ain't got nothin' to do with being friendly and simply getting along with people. It's got everything to do with he who would be the one and only with whom I'd live happily ever after (given that he'd want to live with me too).
Yes, I'm fussy. So be it. I know myself well enough to know that I'd rather have myself for my own Mr. Right than be with someone and feel alone anyway. Self-fulfilling prophecy in the making? Perhaps, but I'd rather be open and honest now and scare people away (if that's the case) than embrace compromises that I'm reasonably certain aren't wise. Of course, if he and I are "clicking," then I'll bet he and I can manage compromises that are good for us. But, until we're really clicking (naturally while just being ourselves) then I can't see such compromises being wise. Nevertheless, my thoughts were these on this day.
What must be true about my Mr. Right (even when it must be me)?
I'm sure this list isn't exhaustive.
First, the short answers. Second, the long answers.
1. He must love God without apology, and enjoy worshiping God without apology (redundant, I know). That doesn't mean that he's got God all figured out. I doesn't mean that we agree on every jot and tittle. It doesn't mean that we're at the same spot in our journeys. Basically, it means that he has a moral compass that he believes is God given and he seeks to do the best he can to honor God.
2. He must proactively, unambiguously, and continuously demonstrate (naturally) that he is into me, especially when I have tried, explicitly, to do the same towards him. Either we are into each other, or we are not.
3. He must (because its simply part of his nature) say to me, "I love you" many time throughout everyday, and he must enjoy me saying that to him be it through writing, texting, silliness, or speaking, the words "I love you" from each other will be music to our ears, eyes, and souls.
4. He's proactive about keeping his waistline under control.
5. He must be attracted to me, and (obviously) I must be attracted to him.
6. He must be want us to be out and open about our relationship.
7. We must be able and willing to pool our financial resources together and make our lives as best as we can.
8. Age is not the most important thing, but we must face aging issues and understand each other.
9. Feminine vs Masculinity. Simply put, we must be compatible. If we're into each other, we're into each other.
10. Location must be compatible for both of us.
11. We must enjoy the same foods.
12. Wife vs. Husband roles... compatibility is important.
13. I hope he hates profanity and derogatory name calling as much as I do.
14. He must be a non-smoker.
15. He must not use drugs.
16. We must be sexually compatible.
Now, the long answers:
1. He must proactively and unambiguously demonstrate (naturally) that he is into me when I have tried, explicitly, to do the same towards him. I won't keep him waiting, in the dark, unsure, wondering. I will tell him many times everyday, "I love you." Call it insecurity, neediness, or clingy, or whatever. It's how it is. I want the compassionate, nurturing fire twenty-four hours a day and we can manage that appropriately. I don't want to be kept waiting, in the dark, unsure, wondering. We must feed each other a steady stream of reassurance.
2. He would have to tell me "I love you" many times everyday. Call it insecurity on my part. Call it whatever. Of course, I'd want "I love you," backed up with actions, not necessarily perfect actions but actions that are explicitly on the right track. It's not enough just to do things. It's not enough just to say things. Both "doing" and "saying" are necessary. I enjoy both the words and the actions. I enjoy being on both the giving and the receiving ends.
3. He must be attracted to me, and (obviously) I must be attracted to him. The most handsome looking guys have not always attracted me, and the world has never revolved around me. A person might LOOK cute, or LOOK handsome, but are they cute, or handsome, on the inside? I have found average looking people to be very attractive. This is a person-by-person matter. Either we are mutually attracted to each other, or we are not. I must like him whether he shaves or not. I must like him in the morning upon waking up. I must like him no matter how he wears his hair. He must like me too.
4. He must be want us to be out and open about our relationship. He must enjoy having pictures of us posted on websites. He must enjoy posting and helping me do some posting. He must want to make video (not sex videos) with me and post them on websites. He must be open to spontaneous affections any time, any place, any day. His family must know about us. My family must know about him.
5. We must be financially compatible and secure. He would have to want to pool our resources and work everything out within our means. We'd have to talk, talk, talk, plan, plan, plan, agree, agree, agree. Maybe he makes more money than me. Maybe I make more than him. Financial compatibility is a must. Security for both of us is a must.
6. Age is not the most important thing, but... This one is tricky. I don't mind being the older person, but I'm not a chaser after younger guys, and I don't want to be a daddy. Some younger guys behave and talk more maturely than some older guys. I don't mind being the younger person. Age certainly CAN matter, but it might not be the most important thing.
9. Feminine vs Masculine. I don't like the extremes. Flaming masculinity can be just as annoying as flaming anything else. Some girly guys look very cute, are very talented, very kind, are a pleasure to be with, and I applaud them for being themselves. Manly guys who aren't TRYING to be manly, but just are and are not censoring their every moves and who aren't judgmental towards the girly guys can be very attractive. Macho(ism) is a BIG turn off for me. I consider myself a mix of the two. But, if we're into each other, we're into each other.
10. Location. The USA is my home country. As things are, I cannot afford to live with Mr. Right anywhere else (unless he's rich enough to fully support both of us and whatever it takes for me to live there. I'm certainly not chasing gold, for I would be more than glad to work for a living, but visa matters are part of reality, and I am just stating the facts). At the time of this posting, I was (maybe still am) living / working in South Korea ... where Mr. Right (for me and when it's not me) seems no where to be found (I didn't go to South Korea to look for "Mr. Right," but I've had no objections against finding him there.).
11. Food. Mr. Right (for me) cannot be a vegetarian. He must be concerned about his waistline, but not against eating fried foods, burgers, pizza, ice cream, and whatever. I cook the way my mother did-- not fancy cooking, just simple cooking. I love home cooking. I would hope we would enjoy cooking in the kitchen together. I love (on occasions) venturing out to eat and enjoying various ambiances.
12. Wife vs Husband roles. I'm not stuck on role playing, but I am more of a wife (domestic) cook and clean sort of guy. I'm not a DIY, handyman, grease monkey kind of guy. We'd have to be compatible. I'm not saying he must be a husband, DIY, handyman kind of guy. If we make a good mix, we go with that.
13. I hope he hates profanity and derogatory name calling as much as I do. Really, do I need to expand on this?
14. He must be a non-smoker.
15. He must not use drugs.
16. No doubt, we must be sexually compatible. However, until all of the above are true, I see no point in worrying about this one, and I'm not really wanting to post certain information about myself on this particular blog.
It may be true that I'm gonna be single longer than I already have been. I can live with that. But, just in case... that's all for now!
If you're into him, you're into him, and you demonstrate that proactively and explicitly. You don't keep him guessing. If you're giving him cold shoulders, then you're not into him. If you're "keeping your options open," you're NOT into him. If you're not going out of your way to communicate, avoid ambiguity, and fan the flames of romance, you're NOT into him. Accept responsibility for yourself. Face it! Square with it! Say it! Move on! But, DON'T BLAME HIM for "hurting YOU" when he decides to move on too, especially if he has done his best to demonstrate that he's into you. That's the way I see it. That's the way I am about it.
It's no crime to NOT be into him. You should be (and feel) free to pursue your own interests as you see fit. There are many reasons that could explain why you're NOT into him. You don't have to apologize for that. However, as I said, if he decides to move on, DON'T BLAME HIM for any of the "hurt" you might feel because he decided to move on due to YOUR coldness.
