I don't want you to stand in the way of me loving whosoever I wish to love...!

    I'll be clear!  I've never asked anyone to "like" homosexuality!  It's okay with me if you think of it as disgusting!  (sort of what I think about heterosexuality in spite of owing my existence to it).  What I want you to do is stay out of my way of loving whosoever I happen to love.  I want you to keep your arrogant anti-gayism out of my way.  I am totally okay with homosexuality.  In fact, I enjoy it.   I'm certain that I did not "choose" to be homosexual, but even if I did, I'd still want you to stop ordering me around about my own love life.  It's okay for you to believe I'm going to hell!  I don't care what you believe.  I will allow you no more say about my love life than you will allow me about yours!  :) 

Rubens Place - Gay Film - About a young man reconnecting with his boyhoo...

Super sweet!

"De principio a fin" -- A perfect movie. The stuff my dreams ... made of!

I absolutely adored this movie.  It's the stuff my dreams have been made of since I was a child (not necessarily with my own brother, but I have enjoyed many dreams with a brother in it....).  That brotherly love, to my mind, adds so much more to Gay love.  My only regrets about the movie are 1) No English subtitles; and 2) the life they had was just too perfect (so much money and so ideal).  Still, I understood enough of the language to understand the movie, and it will be one of my very favorites....!  Thank you so much for sharing it!

"De principio a fin" Just like my dreams since childhood!

I absolutely adored this movie.  It's the stuff my dreams have been made of since I was a child (not necessarily with my own brother, but I have enjoyed many dreams with a brother in it....).  That brotherly love, to my mind, adds so much more to Gay love.  My only regrets about the movie are 1) No English subtitles; and 2) the life they had was just too perfect (so much money and so ideal).  Still, I understood enough of the language to understand the movie, and it will be one of my very favorites....!  Thank you so much for sharing it!

Who we are Sub Español - Corto Gay - Subtitulado al Español

Stuff my dreams have been made of (since childhood) (playlist)

Stuff my dreams have been made of (since childhood) (playlist)

ADAM LAMBERT - I ain't giving up on LOVE

Interview with the Peter Twins

I don't care if it is "insestuous," I think these brothers as very awesomely lucky.  I've enjoy dreams made of stuff like this (not with my own brother, though) since childhood.  I've enjoyed Bel Ami productions.  I've found them to have been beautifully done, reflective, and all in good taste. :) :)

Interview with the Peter Twins

Peters Twins Beach Fun

I know!  I know!  Since childhood, I've dreamed of variations of this!  Sweet!

Brent Corrigan - Kiss From A Rose (Gay Themed ) (+playlist)

1 2 3 4 - I love you - Gay themed (+playlist)

Stuff my dreams have been made of since childhood! Awesome! Sweet!

My first two times being sexual with someone else (besides myself).

     Is it sex when one doesn't "go all the way?"  I never went "all the way" until after I was married to a woman (because I believe something was horribly wrong with me, and that I had to fix it by entering hetero marriage).  Before then, I didn't "go all the way," but I was sexual with at least two other guys.  In both cases I was so "out of character," I'm embarrassed to remember them.  I hated (and still hate) the circumstances about them, but, they helped me answer major questions about myself, so I can call them "fulfilling."  

     In my mind, sex" was "intercourse" or "going all the way."  If I didn't "go all the way," I didn't have sex.  If I didn't do intercourse (vaginal or anal), I didn't do sex.  Masturbating wasn't sex, so mutual maturbating between me and another guy wasn't "sex."  French kissing wasn't "sex," so french kissing with a guy wasn't "sex."  Hey!  It was before 1979, and I was sooo naive about so much!

     I repeat!  I never "went all the way" until after I was married to a woman.  It was with the woman I married that I experience intercourse for the first time in my life.  Several years after our divorce of that marriage, it was with the first man to whom I married myself -- we pledged our vows to each other -- that I experienced anal intercourse for the first time.  Since then, I've "married" (exchanged vows with) two other men.  With each, I experienced ("giving and receiving") anal intercourse.  So, until these experiences, I had never gone "all the way" with anyone.

     Did I have sex before marriage?  Well, if you mean did I "go all the way" (experience intercourse), the answer is clearly no.  But, if you mean was I "sexually involved with another person" or was I in a circumstance of "sexual gratification with another person," then the answer is clearly yes.  To summarize my first two experiences, I will refer to them as "my first two times being sexual with someone else (besides myself).

     My romantic dreams were always about me and another guy.  I remember having them as far back as when I was ten years old in 1967 and 1968.  They didn't include intercourse, but they included lots of sweet talking, kissing, hugging, hand holding, sleeping together, some nudity, and just living life together.  I loved my dreams.

     I dated one girl twice while in high school.  Once we went roller skating.  Once we went to watch a Beatles movie called "Yellow Submarine."  I didn't kiss her.  Nothing against her.  I just didn't want to.  I never dated a guy, but I sure enjoyed guy-watching.  I discovered the joys of looking through Playgirl magazines.  I never imagined sexual scenarios with any of the guys I saw at school or anywhere else, but I did note "he's handsome,"  "I like the way he's dressed," "I like his hair," and "I'll bet it would be great to live with him!"  I knew of no other person on earth like me.  I didn't know the "gay" word, and I never really thought I was "homosexual."  I had never seen anything resembling gay porn, so I could only imagine what the sex part of homosexuality looked like.  I summed it all up "I just wanted a best friend companion with whom I could be cuddly, huggy, and sweet talky.  Yea!  That would've been awesome!  It would've been awesome to say "I love you!" with passion to another guy saying with equal passion "I love you!" back at me.

     After my first year of college my father retired from the U.S. Air Force, and we all moved to his home town in Habersham County, Georgia.  What a culture shock!  On the air force base, the bowling alley, movie theatre, swimming pools, library, tennis courts, baseball fields, hobby shops were all with 15 minutes of walking distance from our house, and I could ride my bicyle for about 20 minutes to reach homes of friends I knew off the base.  In Habersham County, Georgia, there was none of that for miles.  It was a country town of back roads with millions of trees between them.  

     Within weeks I found a church to attend.  There I met a guy.  We were the same age, and we both played the piano a bit.  He invited me to spend a week with him at a church denomination related occasion.  He, one other guy and I decided to room together at a local motel.  Happily, and without thinking about it, I slept alone on the other double bed except for the last night while we were there.  He came over to my bed while the other guy was sleeping soundly.  Quite frankly, I didn't crave for him to do that, but I felt glad that he did.  It was a pleasant surprise!  We weren't holding each other.  We were just there side by side, in our underwear, our bodies touching each other.  It felt nice to have a male church companion my age next to me in bed.  We never kissed.  But, before the night was over, we placed our hands inside each other's underwear and on each others' penis.  I was too nervous for an erection.  He was erect.  He had already ejaculated, and he stroked my penis until I did so too. But before that, we started out gently play wrestling and poking each other with our fingers.  At some point later my body ended up on top of his and, for awhile, we just layed there motionless except for our breathing. He placed his hands on my sides, and I placed mine at the sides of his legs.  I had never been sexual with anyone before in my life.  If he had asked me to be his boyfriend, I would have said yes almost instantly.  If he had asked me to marry him, I would have said yes almost instantly.  This was an awakening!  This was affirmation! This fit so well into my dreams even though sex, up to this point, had not been a part of them.

     Almost a year later, I was casually reading through a copy of the Atlanta Journal and Constitution.   When I got to the page filled with all the movie advertisement, almost instantly I saw "Gay Paree."  No title of any movie, but an address, a phone number, a black and white somewhat vague picture of a shirtless man, and a note saying they were open 24 hours made up the contents of the ad.  I wrote the information down on a piece of paper and stuck the paper in my wallet.  I had never purposefully gone to an x-rated movie.  One time, a year and a half before, I went to a drive-in movie whose rating wasn't displayed on the marquee, and (out of curiosity) I stayed and watch the whole movie.  But now, I was putting together a plan.  Being XXX-rated was not what intrigued me so much.  If I had seen advertisement for any movie that contained guys falling in love with each other, I would have begun a plan to go see that movie.  But, this what was there and was all there was!  I wanted to see love (even if it meant seeing an x-rated spin on it) between men.  At first, I couldn't believe my eyes as I stared at that newpaper ad.  Then, I pondered, "If movies exist that show men loving each other, that means not only that there are guys like me on this planet, but that there HAVE BEEN guys like me on this planet for a long time, and that my dreams could possibly come true someday, somehow."

     I had never driven from Habersham County to Atlanta at night.  The first half of the distance was a winding mountain road.  The second half was dotted with road construction.  I was determined that I would go.  On friday night, I took my brother to a basketball game.  Other arrangements had been made for his transportation back home.  As soon as I dropped him off, I headed for Atlanta.  

     Once I was within Atlanta's city limits, I found a pay phone, called the "Gay Paree" and asked for driving directions.  After fighting with one-way streets I finally found the place about an hour later. When I walked in the door, I saw no one at the counter and I saw a big sign that said "Entrance," so I walked in.  I was mesmerized.  Shown on the screen were two men not yet being sexual but talking sweetly to each other, looking at each others' eyes, hugging -- the stuff my dreams had been made of.  I didn't even notice if anyone else was in the room.  After my eyes adjusted, I found a seat where I could be alone.  Yes, in the movie, I saw men being sexual.  I saw men going "all the way."  I hated that it was by this situation that I learned that there were other men in this world just like me.  I did not enjoy the promiscuity of it all.  But, I did enjoy not feeling as much alone and as much without hope.  The movie, as a whole and some of the details in it, affirmed, even though I couldn't yet claim explicitly, who I was.  Inside, I knew what I wanted.  But, I was a front pew sitting, piano playing, organ playing, solo and choir singing church boy who did not enjoy thoughts of a ruined reputation nor thoughts of going to hell.  

     I didn't mean to not pay for admission.  Later, I approached the counter and explained the matter.  Kindly, the man told me the cost was $5.  I paid him without any trouble, and re-enter the movie room.  

     Before that night was over, a guy about my age sat next to me.  He was handsome.  I guess he thought I was handsome too, and the thought of that felt good.  After a few minutes, he placed his hand on my crotch. This was all new to me.  I copied him and did likewise to him.  He asked me if I'd like to join him in a motel room.  "Will you bring me back here?" I asked.  "Yes." he said.

     The motel wasn't far away.  I offered to pay my share of the motel fee, but he refused to let me.  Casually, we talked.  We hugged, kissed, removed our clothes, were sexual for awhile without anal penetration.  After awhile, we showered, and he drove me back to the theatre parking lot.  I was still living with my parents and had not told them that I was going to Atlanta.  I had not called them to explain that I'd be late getting home.  It was after midnight, and I was due to work at my job at 8 a.m.  As quietly as I tried to walk in the house, mom heard and asked, "Where have you been?"  "Out to visit friends."  I said.

     No sex before marriage had always been my creed.  I could still call myself a virgin, I guess.  After all, I hadn't gone "all the way." It wouldn't be difficult for me to avoid sex with girls until marriage.  But, I wanted to meet guys like me.  It wasn't the sex I wanted, but, obviously, I became willing to go that route to get what I wanted.  I wanted the common element, the bonding, the talking, the hugging, the being in the same room, the sitting next to each other in a car seat with our arms around each other, and even lying on the same bed with our clothes still on.  The guys, including me, went a great distance to be at the "Gay Paree."  Atlanta was the largest city in the southeast USA, and some guys came from as far away as Tennessee and Alabama. They had situations back home to work around... just to meet another guy much like themselves.  If we could have been allowed to flirt openly, walk hand in hand through public parks, all about sidewalks, in department stores and share our fond affections towards each other in broad daylight, chances are we would have chosen that route.  Chances are we would not have chosen the route of this XXX-rated movie house.  There were no gay bars in Atlanta then.  There were no Gay churches.  

     I returned to the "Gay Paree" a few more times over the next several months.  Once, I was sexual with a guy while seated in my car parked behind a public school.  Once, I paid for the motel room and the guy told me I was cute.  Once, by car, I followed a guy back to Alabama.

     Before I proposed to the girl I married, I told her about my involvement in homosexuality.   Years later, she heard me talking in my sleep.

************************

     In 2007, I posted a video about this on Youtube, but in it I failed to mention the first scenario I mentioned above.  I've kept the video posted.  It runs for almost ten minutes and is part of my larger story of my "coming out."   Just in case you'd like to watch the video, I've posted it here.

     

Some things about me you might want to know (or maybe not).

Your knowing this stuff could help you prevent wasting time.  

I don't like when it seems to me that someone wants to be my friend just so he can talk about lust, smut, and sex with me.

I don't like when anyone aims flirting remarks at me on public forums.

I don't like when anyone starts flirting with me too quickly.  

I hate when the terms "dude," "sexy," and "hot" are aimed at me.  

I never will have sex until I am married.  Period.

I hate profanity!

I hate tobacco products and/or illegal drugs.

I hate excessive consumption of alcohol.

I hate "the closet."  I will never be "in the closet" again.

I treat "apologies" without changes in behavior as meaningless.

I love, Love, LOVE God, Christianity, Bible study /discussions, worship and praise.

I love, Love, LOVE good manners.

I love, Love, LOVE attitude of gratitude.

I love, Love, LOVE caring for people as best as I can.

I love, Love, LOVE being charitable as best as I can.

I love, Love, LOVE listening to understand.

I love, Love, LOVE letting people speak for themselves.

I love, Love, LOVE speaking for myself.

I love, Love, LOVE understanding opinions in addition to my own.

I love, Love, LOVE understanding as many sides of a debate as I can grasp.

Picture I made of myself on Saturday / Sunday, December 28, 29, 2013

   

     As I see it, 2014 is NOT coming to us, but we are GOING to it, and we're almost there!

     One of my mottos goes like this:  Live 100+ years, not the same year 100+ times!

     Another is this.  I'm going to live until I die, and live some more!

   I started my 56th lap around the sun a few days ago (Dec. 19).  During this lap, I intend to finish earning my license in Cosmetology.  After that, I'm not sure (I can't predict), but I've been thinking that I want to make "A world of my own," but I might have to seek other employment too.

   

Homosexual Love + Appropriate context = a morally wonderful set of circumstances...!

     Saying that "homosexual love is immoral" is like saying "a medicine (a peach, a tree, etc) is immoral."  The statement makes absolutely no sense!  Homosexual love is only one part of an equation.  Another part is needed.  It's like a math problem.  "Homosexual Love + the right (I'm using that term loosely) context = a morally wonderful set of circumstances and makes the world a better place!  Preachers / Teachers have been terribly wrong about matters before.  They are terribly wrong NOW when they claim that homosexual love is wrong / immoral.

I was just thinking out loud! That's all! I should neither flirt nor fan the flames... these days!

     "What did you say?" mom asked as I was putting washed laundry into the dryer.

     "Oops!  I was just thinking outloud!"  LOL!

     I've had lots of time on my hands.  I'd rather be attending classes, but the school is doing the winter vacation thing and won't kick back in until after January 1, 2014.  My Lincoln Town Car (1998, I paid $3500 for it.  It had only 109k miles on it.  Insurance cost me $50 monthly.) is NOT a fuel saver, so I've been staying home as much as I can stand it (I think that car is doing me a big favor!  Besides, it's comfortable to drive).  I've even taken a break from Gym therapy (I'll kick that back in and condition myself before we reach the spring season). Exchanging ideas, comments, and questions with people online has helped to provide a little something to do besides cooking and chores.

     I don't flirt with people these days, and I try to avoid fanning flames of flirting remarks made (in good faith I presume) towards me, because I'm not able to support courtship and romance while I'm attending school classes.  I must (and want to) stay focused and perform well.

     Will I meet (or have I met and don't know it) a potential mate while I'm attending school?  Who knows?  Is finding a mate-for-life in the cards for me?  I don't know!  I enjoy dreaming about it though! 

     I'll be near 57 years old when I finish my classes and can complete the exams for my Cosmetology license.  At least I'll have the license!  Hopefully, I can make some money.  I might have to find other employment too -- substitute teaching, factory worker, department store associate, etc.  Hopefully, I'll be able to continue renting from my parents.

     I returned to Habersham County, Georgia to be with my parents. Mom wrote me a letter asking me to "come home" (from South Korea).  Don't misunderstand me.  I'm not blaming mom for anything.  I'm simply acknowledging that we're mortal beings, and I want to enjoy our time together as much as possible.  Who knows that I won't finish my life before either of them does?   While contemplating my return, I decided that earning a license at the technical college nearby could be a good use of time and money while I'm settling back into the area.  

     What are the chances in Habersham County, Georgia, during this time of my life, of me crossing the path of the man who would be my mate and with whom I'd live happily ever after?   As far as I can tell, God will have to put it together.  Really, if God doesn't put it together, I don't want it.  I've enjoyed romantic relationships with three men in the past.  Each, I believed, was to be the "until death do us part" romantic venture.  I've traveled a lot and have lived in many places in the USA.  I've earned a couple of bachelor degrees, have worked in several industries.  I (because it was the only proper / acceptable things to do according to everyone I knew) even married a woman (so that I could cure my homosexuality).  We ended that offically in 1989.  Yea, I paid a LOT of child support.  I was perfectly fine with supporting the children, but the "ex" and I were very much at odds about stuff.  I started a Youtube channel hoping my children would find it and make contact with me.  They did!  My daughter is now grown with three children.  My son (who I've always wanted to have a heterosexual father who wanted children), also grown, has been adopted into the second marriage of the "ex."  I would call all that a rich life.  Has it been prepping me for now?  for life in Habersham County, Georgia?  I don't know!  "O' Lord, what's going on?"

     Still, I find some consolation in socializing as best as I can.  Internet helps with that, but, as I said, I'm not able to support -- emotionally, financially, physically, spiritually, intellectually -- courtship and romance these days, so I should not flirt and fan flames of flirting remarks made (whether made in good faith or not) towards me -- and I'm okay with all that.  I have to be!  

   And still, I can enjoy my dreams!  

   

To Me, This is What Romantic Love Looks Like Among Gay Men

Please, never call me "sexy!"

     My "Mr. Right" will call me by my name, because my name is one thing (of many) that makes his heart sing.  Explicitly, I will let him know frequently that his name (among many other things) makes my heart sing too.  He will never call me "sexy," because he embraces me, not as a sex object, not as an object at all, but as the person he knows and to whom he wants to give his love as freely and abundantly as he can muster, because I'm the person he never wants to live without.  Explicitly, and in every other way I can manage, he will know, and love, the fact I will never address him as "sexy," because he's the man who makes my heart sing, and he'll know I'll always want to be with him, and it's to him (and to him only) that I wish to give my love as freely and abundantly as I can muster.

     Luring each other to sexual love is not, and will not be, the theme of our interactions with each other.  Our theme will be to have and to hold for richer or poorer in sickness and in health until death do us part, not because we simply took the gamble and pledged so, but because we know it's right for us because it rightly expresses and completes who we are and who we can be. 

     We're not engaged in a competition against other men.  We're not engaged in any competition at all.  We're engaged in our vision, our journey, and our world that's complete because we are one.

     In our book, "sexy" is not, and will never be, a complement! 

     Call it a dream!  That's okay!  I'll continue to enjoy dreaming the dream!